Oscar Witt

My goal with this writing piece was to use a range of adverbial phrases.
Oscar Witt lay drifting in the water thinking about his past. As a puppy he was bullied. He remembered the time when he was had his first fight. Oscar was now a fully grown golden retriever He jittered furiously in the water as he had his flashback, finally he awoke with sweat draining down him and his heart skipping a beat. Slowly and swiftly he swam out of the river. Oscar shook his fur Quickly and quietly with water flicking off of him. The river was one place where he could clear his mind. Oscar strutted on the cold white sand softly and dreamily. Oscar didn’t pay much attention to what was going on around him. He just sprinted silently straight to the forest.

What a dog was doing in the forest I don’t even know but for some reason Oscar like visiting his friend Blake the Badger. Blake lived in a giant hollow oak tree so long it could fit a baby giraffe. It was ruff on the outside but Blake cut a door open and built a home on the inside. Oscar approached the peace full oak tree, the door was already open so Oscar quickly and wildly galloped inside. As soon as he ran inside he was smacked in the face by the smell of fresh plants and leaves. Oscar was greeted by his friend Blake.

“Hey Oscar, did you see the race?” Blake asked

“What race?” Oscar replied.

“The Bill the Tortoise and the Harry the Hare had a race, and with an unexpected twist the Tortoise won! ” Blake ran and jumped on his back. Blake’s white fur reflected brightly from the sun light. Oscar took a deep sigh.

“You know i’ve been thinking” Oscar started.

“That can’t be good” Blake said to himself. Blake started to drink some water from an overgrown acorn.

“And i’ve made a decision I am going to the jungle”

Blake immediately loudly spat his water out of his mouth like a hose.

My Writing

WALT:  Entertain

My writing goal was to use precise and technical language and use other words instead of said.

SUCCESS CRITERIA

I have used a range of precise vocabulary to communicate meaning.

TASK: craft a free-choice piece of writing that shows how I am developing my goal

My First Draft

Evaluation

How has your writing has improved this term?
I think I've improved on using a range of different words instead of basic words like said, walked.

The part of my story I am most proud that I think I was able to draw the reader in to the story in a humorous way because I sometimes don't draw the reader into the story

Next time, I wan't to work on using things like onomatepoeia and alliteration and metaphor's 

Feedback/Feedforward I like how you have added words like yammered and sorrow. Next time you could add more precise words instead of words like said instead you could use words like yelled angrily, answered, replied ect
Mitchell

My Edited Writing

Master Ninja strode outside the tent to see the activity going on outside. A fragment of blue streaked lightning struck the ground with great force. Bang! As the smoke cleared the sight awaited him was very unexpected. It was Thor the God of Lightning! With his hammer in his right hand Thor bellowed  “I am Thor Son of Odin, God of Lightning, I wish to join your advent-”

“No just no you can’t” Harry interrupted

“Alright fine”Thor yammered with great sorrow. 

Thor hurled his mighty hammer away, put his hands on his face, and dashed into the bushes crying like a deer running away from a hunter. They went into the tent and fell asleep. The next morning Leonardo Da Vinci woke up when dawn was just clearing. He glanced around in the tent at the four sleeping men, yes four. There was one extra tiny man with a bushy mustache sleeping in Leo’s bed.

“Agghh!” Leo screamed. Everyone in the tent awoke including the tiny man.

“Itsa me Mario” The tiny man said with an italian voice. 

Leonardo Da Vinci had a complete flashback about Mario they went to kindergarten and primary school together Leo found Mario extremely annoying.

“Me and Leo went to kindergarten yes” Mario said.

“I’ve never seen this man in my life!” Leo roared.

He said this because he wanted to get as far away from Mario as he could. Mario persuaded on going on the adventure. Leo told them that Mario could be dangerous

“Fine then go on you’r adventure with you new friends” Mario shouted. 

He jumped out of bed and stormed out of the tent. 

The Wild West

In this writing piece my goal was to draw the reader and make the reader want to read more.
The 

Wild West

What do you think of when someone says the Wild West. You probably think of outlaws, Indians, gunfights. I can tell you it’s all of these things but much more. I would know because I’m a cowboy. My name is Jack Wiggins I’m 24 years old and I’ve probably got the most bad luck in the Wild West. You see the West is a dangerous place to be in the year 1972. So if you want to know how I stole from the Sherif, killed a dangerous outlaws horse and ended up getting in a gunfight with him, and lit a whole indian camp base on fire and still survived, keep reading this...