My Writing

WALT:  Entertain

My writing goal was to use precise and technical language and use other words instead of said.

SUCCESS CRITERIA

I have used a range of precise vocabulary to communicate meaning.

TASK: craft a free-choice piece of writing that shows how I am developing my goal

My First Draft

Evaluation

How has your writing has improved this term?
I think I've improved on using a range of different words instead of basic words like said, walked.

The part of my story I am most proud that I think I was able to draw the reader in to the story in a humorous way because I sometimes don't draw the reader into the story

Next time, I wan't to work on using things like onomatepoeia and alliteration and metaphor's 

Feedback/Feedforward I like how you have added words like yammered and sorrow. Next time you could add more precise words instead of words like said instead you could use words like yelled angrily, answered, replied ect
Mitchell

My Edited Writing

Master Ninja strode outside the tent to see the activity going on outside. A fragment of blue streaked lightning struck the ground with great force. Bang! As the smoke cleared the sight awaited him was very unexpected. It was Thor the God of Lightning! With his hammer in his right hand Thor bellowed  “I am Thor Son of Odin, God of Lightning, I wish to join your advent-”

“No just no you can’t” Harry interrupted

“Alright fine”Thor yammered with great sorrow. 

Thor hurled his mighty hammer away, put his hands on his face, and dashed into the bushes crying like a deer running away from a hunter. They went into the tent and fell asleep. The next morning Leonardo Da Vinci woke up when dawn was just clearing. He glanced around in the tent at the four sleeping men, yes four. There was one extra tiny man with a bushy mustache sleeping in Leo’s bed.

“Agghh!” Leo screamed. Everyone in the tent awoke including the tiny man.

“Itsa me Mario” The tiny man said with an italian voice. 

Leonardo Da Vinci had a complete flashback about Mario they went to kindergarten and primary school together Leo found Mario extremely annoying.

“Me and Leo went to kindergarten yes” Mario said.

“I’ve never seen this man in my life!” Leo roared.

He said this because he wanted to get as far away from Mario as he could. Mario persuaded on going on the adventure. Leo told them that Mario could be dangerous

“Fine then go on you’r adventure with you new friends” Mario shouted. 

He jumped out of bed and stormed out of the tent.